Number Please

I was I’ll admit disappointed
when using the 'blower' last week
to hear a voice clear quite pleasant
but certainly masculine speak
his 'number please' sank through my earhole
and set my brain cells a whirl
to hear a man's voice at the switchboard
instead of a golden voiced girl

For ages I’ve pictured the switchboard
attended by damsels so fair
with possibly brunettes among them
and some with rich auburn hair.
With hundreds of numbers to cover
their headphones strapped tight to each pate
the ladies have worked to precision
and seldom show feelings irate.

When waiting for trunk call connections
the lass at the end of the wire
oft revs up a long operation,
with ginger and sometimes with ire.
Quite often I’ve sat back and quivered
as verbal sparks started to fly,
and honeytoned duellists offered
the reason, the wherefore, and why.

Enquiries are also obliging
their eager response never lags,
in fact I've been tempted to ask if
they know where there's chocolate and fags
But joking apart, it's most pleasant
for dumb timid callers to feel
that even their lowly requirements
receive a full measure of zeal.

And thus if the male voice that shook me
portends that by day, as by night.
The men will take over the switchboards,
though somehow this doesn't seem right,
I must praise the girls for their patience
not always the female long suit...
and thank them for rarely henpecking
This shy, tongue-tied caller to boot
normal service was resumed. No Charge.

Although not conservative minded
I've found it a bit of a shock
To learn that the Rushden phone user
the same as Kettering and Hock
(Wellingborough)
will now work the dialling system
a series of digital twirls
instead of requesting the numbers
from bevies of golden voiced girls.

It almost made phoning a pleasure
to picture a dainty young blonde
respond to the lifted receiver
and plug in her magical wand,
or hear a brunettes vocal zephyr
calm down in a trice, the outraged
or a red head’s bright accent proclaiming
'so sorry your number’s engaged'

Hence forth in sad contradiction
I'll twiddle wrong numbers with ire
and bring to white the contraption
of dials and flex and of wire.
A souless efficient contraption
No glamour,no feminine style
to give one a feeling of contact.
Dear caller you just have to dial.